I have the flu, but the show must go on

I think it’s easy to lose sight of how blessed and beautiful this life is, when you’re so busy.

In fact, being busy in itself.. such a blessing. A year ago, I would’ve killed to be working for an organization that’s so close to my values and what I believe in. I burnt out a little, but I took the time to heal mentally- and now I am physically sick with the flu. I can’t afford to take the time off, and I’m considerably feeling better than last week during my mini meltdown. It happens, I’m constantly growing. I will never the “perfect” anything. God knows holy shit. The perfect employee, I will never be.  I’ve gotta stop beating myself up; because working with such a lean organization, I need to stay alert and in the game. I almost quit last week, which is so naive because this place is the coolest. It’s not easy work for sure, but definitely rewarding and pushes me out my comfort zone every damn day.

I just realized that it’s everything I’ve wanted in a job. Every day I feel damn uncomfortable.. But I can take on so much more than I could starting this. I need to keep pushing out good work

self reflection is great guys, highly recommend. thanks internet

Caelica 83

You that seek what life is in death,

Now find it air that once was breath.

New names unknown, old names gone:

Till time end bodies, but souls none.

Reader! then make time, while you be,

But steps to your eternity.

– Baron Brooke Fulke Greville

System Restore

I’ve lost myself and these days its become more apparent than usual.

My exboyfriend hints at it a lot. I didnt realize how much I’ve changed after second year and quite frankly 3rd year. 3rd year was great, but i really shouldve taken time off to rest completely

I know that now. Its all a learning experience for sure.

I kind of hate myself for being so negative and emotionless all the time. It’s harder for me to expel energy into people unlike before. My immune system is fried and my hair doesnt feel like growing back half the time. I feel guilty for being so dead inside half the time, especially when i meet new people. But im not suicidal, my anxiety is so much better and I’m thankful.

This is where I am at life right now and that’s okay.

I just need time to rest, heal and grow some more. I’m not going to rush myself

Ancora Imparo

 

i have a lying issue

mostly to hide my pride. like for instance. I went into a whole shit of debt because i was so caught up with my life and its happenings. dumb things like late payments.. that just kept adding up. its not a whole bunch. but anyways it involves my housemates ..

either way.. now my house is doing the utilities.

and im too scared to give them to password..

all the debts paid off as of today..

but my other housemate is being very pushy about all of this.

either way.. i need to get out of this mess ive made for myself.

its not hard.. i just need to come clean

im learning to build websites now.. in class.. its been good

its not that big of a deal.. i just need to swallow my ego and come clean..

its all paid

Happiness

currently my world is falling apart. I’m 20 years old, so I feel that it’s a common state of being for most my age 😂.  But it’s true. i am so lost, and so screwed in most aspects in my life. But I am so intrinsically happy. I finally have people in my life that I can call family and I know that what’s happening around me is only temporary. I can move on. any thing that hits me has no power to overshadow how awestruck ingly grateful I am. Currently writing this while sitting lakeside, Watching the boats pass by. Man is this place beautiful.image

Revival

Today my grandmother died on my father’s birthday. I heard my father cry for the first time in my life. Everything else in my life feels like its crumbling under my fingers. My academic life, my financial situation and personal life. But I’m  still happy and grateful- and so incredibly proud of myself.

No one and nothing in this universe owes me anything. The only person I owe anything to is myself, and If I want something in life I need to go out there and get it. All the demons I’ve faced and I’m facing right now can be compartmentalized. I’m a multifaceted being, and I can be whoever I want to be. My past and upbringing does not define me or determine who I will become.

I need to work on being prepared and have certain habits solidly locked into place. Thats all I need to do.

I’ve spent enough time today feeling bad for myself. It’s time to move on and work on the things I want.

If there’s anything I’ve learned today, its that life is fragile and complex. I need to do more things that make me feel accomplished and proud – in the MOST selfish way possible.